Carson James

The last time I posted, I was 32 weeks pregnant.  Now I am looking at this:

The last 7 weeks have been a whirlwind.  It's been the longest, shortest 7 weeks of my life.  Sometimes I feel like just yesterday we were walking in the hospital, and some days I feel like it was forever ago.  (The latter are really, really long days...and nights.)

We were scheduled to go in at 10:00 p.m. on July 29.  I wasn't going to be induced with the drip, but he was just going to give me a little boost to help everything get ready.  My doctor's appointment was at 11 that morning, so when he said to be at the hospital at 10 that night, my mind went into overdrive.  So many things I wanted to do, yet all I wanted to do was lay in my bed in silence, and maybe sleep.  Jason came home and we went about our business getting last minute things done.  One of those things was to go by Dad's office to discuss some things with him.  While we were there, my water broke.  I was SO unprepared for this.  Apparently it's not a very common thing and some women don't even know it.  I was a little skeptical at first, but then realized there was no denying what just happened.  We had planned on going out to eat for our "last meal" and I was set on being at the hospital at 10.  Little Junior decided he didn't want to wait though, so we were headed to the hospital at 5:30 p.m. instead.

This was the last picture we took - standing in Dad's office before we knew what was about to happen:

This was just a couple of hours before when we had seen my mom.  Both of my parents captured pictures that I would later be really glad they had!

I guess I should have known something was up.  Earlier on the morning of the 29th, before I even went to the doctor, I did this:

Now I can look back and say I was "nesting".  Didn't think that would happen either, but in true Sarah fashion (according to my husband, but I'll never admit it) I waited until the last minute.

Well, technically, I guess this is the last picture we took.  All settled in the delivery room just waiting to see what happens.

The nurse and everyone else said "try to get some rest".  And I wanted to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  I'm preparing to birth a child, how in the $%&@ am I supposed to REST?!?!?!"  As hard as I tried, it's extremely difficult to shut your mind off, ignore the overhead sound of your son's heartbeat and not pay attention to the excruciating pain that was taking over...that is, until I got some drugs.  I told that anesthesiologist that I didn't know how much she made but I knew she needed a raise.  Talk about liquid gold.  I still couldn't sleep, but I at least didn't feel like I was going to actually die.

After an entire night of laboring and waiting, I was never more relieved than when I saw her walk in and get that little side room ready - the room with all the gear in it that I didn't want to see but was glad to know it was time.

Left turn:  my fever spiked to 102.  I was immediately put on an antibiotic and the nurse went to wake Dr. Harper.  (Cool story:  Dr. Harper is the same doctor that delivered me and he spent the night at the hospital the night I was born.  Now I'm having a baby and he spent the night at the hospital with us.)  When I saw him walk in, I felt like my heart literally sang with joy.  I don't know if I've ever been relieved to see a doctor, but I was at this point, specifically his face in that very moment. After Dr. H reviewed what Jr's heartbeat was doing, he sat down and looked me dead in the eye and told me based on what he saw, he didn't feel comfortable letting me continue to labor (I had 2 CM left to go!) and that it was time for an emergency c-section.  After a leap of joy, my heart sank down to my toes and the waterworks started.  I was so disappointed and then I was scared.  I know he is so anti-c-section, so for him to make that call caused me to be concerned.  I just wanted our baby to be ok, so I had to trust him.  Within minutes, I was surrounded by nurses and it seemed like things just started flying.  I knew that the baby's heartbeat had spiked at one point, which I thought was a result of my fever.  I did not know until after the fact that his heartbeat had actually dropped after that.  There was no direct correlation with his heartbeat and my contractions, which is what caused Dr. H the concern.  Also, baby's head was down, but it was turned sideways.  Dr. H told me that he knew he could turn it, but with the circumstances the way they were, he wasn't taking the chance.

This was at 6:30 a.m. on July 30.  Our baby boy was born at 6:44 a.m. on July 30.  They didn't waste anytime!

Carson James Duke:  7 pounds, 14.5 ounces, 20 inches long and 100% perfect:

I heard the nurses say "happy birthday baby boy!" and "you're a big boy!" and my heart was aching to see him.  They brought him from around the curtain, held him up for 1 second for me to see him and hear his cry, and then they whisked him away out of my sight.  I then knew what my parents meant when they said having children is like giving your heart legs and letting it walk around outside your body.  He was only seconds old, and I felt like my heart left the room with him.  And for a double whammy, they sent Jason out with him so he could take pictures.  So I am still laying on an operating table with this surge of emotions, and my son and my husband were both gone.  Talk about a bummer.  However, I am so thankful Jason got to go and spend the first few minutes of Carson's life with him since I couldn't.

Once they had me in the recovery room, the nurse came in.  They told me that Carson had some problems as well and was in the NICU at the time.  He had trouble breathing and was also born with a fever.  They had to assume the worst and assume that whatever infection caused my fever to spike during labor was passed onto Carson and he had to be treated immediately. 

Because I had just had major surgery and because he couldn't leave the NICU, I couldn't see him right away.  I couldn't get up, and he couldn't leave, so I didn't get to see my baby until 9 hours after he was born.

I can't quite explain what I felt in this moment.  I had prepared myself for that moment after delivery when they place your baby on your chest and for my heart to sing the Doxology.  I didn't get that, and all I had was people showing me pictures of my son that I haven't even gotten to hold yet.  Until now...

Another part to this story:  Carson didn't have a name until then either.  We had decided we would just wait to see him to decide, but since I couldn't see him until that afternoon, he continued to be "Baby Boy Duke" until we confirmed it.  Jason asked him if he liked Carson, and he opened his eyes and looked straight at his daddy.  Jason asked him about Sawyer and he made a face and stuck his tongue out.  Then he asked him about Noah and he crinkled his nose up.  So Baby Boy Duke decided his own name, and he is officially Carson James.

The rest of the day was pretty foggy for me.  Coming out of surgery and off of the happy drugs, on pain medicine for management, and ridiculous hormone changes, and I was a mess.  The next 3 days consisted of us hanging out in a hospital room looking forward to the next feeding to see our baby.  And let me brag on my husband for a minute here:  The NICU had us coming every 3 hours on the dot, around the clock to feed Carson.  Every single time I went, Jason was with me...including the times during the wee-hours of the night/morning when I had to set an alarm every 2.5 hours to go.  (It took me a little while to get there at first, so I had to get a head start.)  If there was ever a time for him to show his moral support, this was it and he went above and beyond.  He took care of me, helped me, encouraged me and loved on me, even when there was some things going on that a wife just doesn't want her husband to see.  I didn't think I could become more thankful for the type of husband he is, and then we had a baby and he never left my side...except to bring me Taco Bell for breakfast which just proved how much he really does love me. 

Carson had to remain in the NICU until my tests and his tests came back to find out what happened.  We were told anywhere from 3-7 days based on the results, so there was a lot of unanswered questions left lingering around.  It was extremely difficult to physically get up and go to Carson every 3 hours, but looking back, I think it probably helped me begin to heal sooner because I didn't have a choice but to grin and bear it - I had to get to my baby.  On Saturday, August 2, we got the news that the last of the 3 tests had come back and was negative for any infection.  This means I didn't have one and neither did Carson, and there was no answer to my fever other than it was a God thing.  When Carson was born, the umbilical cord was loosely around his neck with part of it against his head.  Every time I had a contraction, the part around his head would become tighter.  Coupled with his breathing problems and stress level at birth, it's exactly what needed to happen for Dr. H to make the call.  Throughout my entire pregnancy, I prayed for a healthy baby and for a healthy delivery and for my body to be ready for the trauma  it was about to endure.  I believe 100% God answered this prayer in his own way and in the best way for Momma and Baby.  Once we got the "OK" that we were going home, it was like deja vu of D-Day: people running in and out, slinging stuff left and right, nurses here and there and everywhere and 100 things being thrown at you.  But I didn't care.  I had our son in my arms and we were going home with a perfectly healthy and beautiful baby boy.

The day we got home is what you would normally expect...surrounded by family and completely in love.  And exhausted.

The past 7 weeks have already taught me so much about so many things....myself, my husband, life and a baby.

It has been so hard but so worth it.  I don't know if there is anything sweeter than a sleeping baby.  My mom says she believes it's the closest we have to angels on earth, and I believe it.

 

When I see this little boy smile at me, it brings forth emotions and a type of love I never knew existed.  Gut-wrenching, overwhelming love that I will be forever thankful for. 

I am constantly in awe at God's amazing love and blessings that continue to shine down on us.  He has shown me that he loves me in so many unimaginable ways, with the most recent being through the miracle of a baby.

Carson really is our little miracle baby.  He has been prayed for since the beginning and is a perfect addition to our family.  Within a matter of 13 months, I went from a single woman to a wife and mother in a family of 5.  I wouldn't trade it for anything in this entire world, and I am so thankful for the family Jason and I have made...even if 2 of the members were before my time, they make it complete.

Thank you Lord, for I am so undeserving of this incredible man and 3 beautiful children.  Thank you for seeing fit to bind us together with your Holy glue to make us one.  Thank you for the miracle of child birth.  Thank you for never leaving our side through this crazy thing called life.  It's an amazing ride.