People tell you that having a baby is hard. "It's hard but it's the most rewarding thing you'll ever do." If you consider being thrown up on more times than you can count and having to change 3813408 dirty diapers a day with a high possibility of not being able to brush your teeth that day a reward, then by golly I've hit the jackpot.
People tell you that all babies do is eat, sleep and poop. They fail to mention cry and spit/throw up. When they say that babies go 2-3 hours between feedings, they fail to mention that's 2-3 hours from the START of the first feeding to the start of the next one. If the whole process takes an hour (feed, change, pray they go to sleep), then that doesn't leave much time before you're doing it all over again.
Honestly, I would sometimes find myself thinking "How hard can it really be? If all they do is eat, sleep and poop, then what's the big deal?" So God decided to show me what the big deal was, and in a very big way.
People tell you that breastfeeding is hard. They don't say that it's so time-consuming that you feel like you have a permanent attachment from the waste up. They don't tell you that it hurts so dang bad it can bring you to tears every time. "You get used to it." I think you really just grow numb to the pain. Or are too sleep deprived to give a crap.
People tell you all kinds of things when you're getting ready to have a baby, but the main thing I've learned is that there is absolutely NO way ANYONE can prepare a first-time mom for the journey that is about to begin. We all "ooohh" and "ahh" and "awww" at baby showers at the sweet little baby clothes that we can't wait to get home and wash and put away to await the arrival of that little ball of perfection. During all that "oh my gosh!" at the cuteness, no one dares to say "It's not that cute when it's covered in poop" or "you're about to embark on the hardest thing you've ever done, so go home and sleep now instead of playing 'house' with all your new goodies". People don't tell you that your ears feel like they may actually physically bleed in response to the wailing cry that fills your entire house. Or that you may BEG God to "just PLEASE make him go to sleep!!".
No, there are so many things people don't tell you when you're pregnant. Some things you just assume, but there is just no way to know how to deal until you have no choice.
HEART CHANGE - I wrote all of the above the day of Meme's funeral. (Meme is Carol's mom that passed away last week). As I sat and thought of the mourning I felt for my past life, I thought of the mourning my family was going through in preparation to say good-bye to a beloved Mom & Meme. I've never experienced the circle of life quite like this before. It was strange and an emotional experience I really didn't (and still don't) know how to process.
At the funeral, Dad spoke and told his personal story with Meme and described her life as he saw it best. During his tribute, Dad read the verses describing the Wife of Noble Character from Proverbs 31.
Ton. Of. BRICKS.
Dad explained that he doesn't think we should ask "why" when someone dies, but rather "what" and "how". Not "Why did you take her from us", but "What lessons can I learn from her to better my life for You?" and "How should I put these lessons into place to better show Your Love?" This was my lesson. In that moment, honoring the life of this beautiful woman, I learned a life lesson that God so strategically placed in that very place for me to hear. Not only that, I heard it from the mouth of my earthly father. The dad that didn't give up on me when I was a baby and puked down his back and everywhere else. I want to be like this...I want to be the "Wife of Noble Character" that my Heavenly Father desires me to be.
15 She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family.
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17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
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25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
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27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
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31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
Here I am, complaining and, dare I say, becoming resentful, and then God so blatantly tells me to stop it. This is my job now. God made me a Mama and made me a mama to a specific little boy. A little boy He designed just for me to mother; a little boy that depends solely on me (and his daddy) to support him and manage his life while he can't; that depends solely on us to keep him alive.
Over. Friggin'. Whelming.
I want to "provide food" for my family without complaining. This means in the wee hours of the morning "while it is still night" when I may rock myself to sleep and then startle and jump just to wake the baby up and do it all over again. I want my arms to be "strong for [my] task"; strong to hold and comfort my baby when he needs me. I don't want my lamp to go out at night. Yeah, I would love to sleep, and I will again one day, Right now, though, this child needs me 'round the clock, and it's my job to answer and respond without question. I want to be "clothed with strength and dignity", but I have to learn I can't do that on my own. I have to have some help, and I need it from Above. There's no way I could make it through the past 2 months or the next forever years without strength that is given to me by The One and Only. I want all 3 children to be blessed; I want to show them what it's like to live for God and I want to show the only girl in the mix what it's like to be a Godly woman/wife/mother. I want my husband to respect me (and, thankfully, he already does) and be proud of me. And, by the Grace of God, I want to be praised at The City Gate!
This baby business is hard. Quite frankly, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I have never questioned my sanity like I did during the first 4 weeks of becoming a mama. I may feel like I live in a sleepless fog with no end, but I'm going to show that fog who's boss and take it like a champ!
After the funeral, Carson started showing his "beast mode" attitude, and my new-found Godly moment was short-lived. I have to consciously remind myself of all the above, as it, unfortunately, does not come natural. If it does for you, let me know and I'll bake you some dadgum cookies and even add some sprinkles.
God never ceases to amaze me. As I'm typing this, Susan Boyle is singing "You Raise Me Up" on The Today Show. Yes, Lord, I hear you. You and only You can raise me up to be all that I can be.
I WILL be all that I can for my family. It's my God-given job, and it's my responsibility to honor it to the best of my ability.
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