Mommy Guilt Revision

I had an entire post completed last week and had even already posted it.  I went back, though, and decided I was going to edit it because I was afraid it was a little too "whiny" sounding.  During the process, somehow I deleted the entire post and it is NO where to be found.  After I finished throwing a hissy fit, I decided maybe it was for the best since I was going to edit it anyway.

Carson has been a hard baby.  Like, middle-of-the-night-meltdowns and crying all the time hard.  And that's just me!  I'll give credit where credit is due though, and it is 10 times better than it used to be.  We have good nights and bad nights, but in 7.5 months, I could probably count on two hands the nights he has actually slept through the night without either of us having to go back there.  Some nights all it takes is a paci and a lovey; some nights it's more and some nights nothing works.  He keeps us guessing, NO DOUBT.  We take the good nights when they come though, and I am so thankful when they do happen.  For example, this weekend was great.  The Lord knew J and I needed that extra rest, and He delivered!

I do realize, though, and this baby (no matter how hard) is a miracle baby.  He is an answer to our prayers in more ways than one, and he is a gift straight from God's hands into our lives.  Jason told me before "this is part of our story", and some day we will see the lesson God is teaching us through the hardships of this phase.  Sometimes it makes me sad that the only newborn experience I will have has been so hard.  Sometimes I'm disappointed in myself for feeling so close to the brink of insanity.  And sometimes, I just hold my son and relish in the fact he is ours and he is here and he is a blessing.

There are so many moms that would give anything to have a screaming baby at home with them, because that means their baby is at home.  There are so many parents that beg God to let their child come home with them from the hospital.  So many men and women that spend their life-savings, blood, sweat and tears to try to have one of these precious gifts.  I know this, and I know we are beyond blessed to have a healthy baby.  With super healthy lungs and vocal cords....

The scariest time of it all was when he had RSV.  It's sooo unsettling when you pack your sons diaper bag to leave by the door in case you have to make a trip to the ER in the middle of the night.  (Shout out to my mom for taking a whole week off work to come help.  It was a HUGE blessing.)

I have put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to motherhood for about 5 million different reasons, and I am really trying to work through them.  I know a lot of my anxiety is self-inflicted and a lot of my stress comes from outside sources.  We try really hard to find what works for our baby, and when we find it, we stick to it.  It's almost guaranteed whatever it is will change, and then we modify as best we can.  That, on top of the fact that Carson is a "high-maintenance", "intense", "temperamental" (all from mouths of professionals) baby, an evening out can be less than enjoyable.  Recently, we have tried to go out to eat 3 separate times with the older 2, and all 3 times Jason or I have ended up in the car with Carson.  Last time, we took shifts inside so we could both eat, even it was at separate times. 

We took C to Landry's first spring baseball game in February.  It was a little chilly, but the sun was out and I just knew Carson would do great.  He loves to be outside, and it was morning time which is when he's usually pretty happy.  Out of the 6 hours we were at the ball park, I spent probably close to 5 in the car.  I felt like I needed to announce that nothing sketchy was going on with the black car making circles in the marking lot - just a desperate mama trying to get her kid to go to sleep.

Part of the self-inflicted guilt I feel is the judgment I can see on people's faces (or that I think I see?).  I know I let it bother me more than I should, but all I can see is others thinking "they don't take that kid anywhere" or roll their eyes because "everyone has to pay their dues".  I'm sure there are some who think we just exaggerate on how hard it really has been, and I'm also sure that I could not and would not just make this stuff up.  I would love to be able to pack up the entire house and know that's enough and be able to take Carson any and everywhere we go.  Truth is though, we can't.  Especially if it's after 6 PM because that's just miserable for everyone involved.  Any event we plan to attend with Carson, I can pretty much guarantee one of us will end up missing whatever it is.  Not to mention if someone, like my oh-so-amazing in-laws offer to keep him.  "Well if you twist my arm a little harder...."  It's so much easier to run to the grocery store and be done in 45 minutes then it is to have to pack a bag, fight with Carson up and down every isle, all with a high probability I may have to abandon the buggy and leave anyway.  And, yes, that has happened before.

I came across this article the other day:  http://citymomsblog.com/dallas/yes-i-have-a-high-needs-baby/, and it did give me a little hope.  Then I came across this one http://www.thebettermom.com/2015/2/22/what-god-wants-for-mom-with-young-children and realized I just need to chill out.  My mom has always told me a stressed out mom has a stressed out kid.  I do not want to stress and Lord knows I don't want to give Carson any more reason to cry.  He apparently has enough reason when you're not feeding him fast enough for his liking...Dude loves to eat.

So, whenever you see us out and we may be without a baby in tow, remember that our story is different than yours.  We handle it the best we can and the best way for our baby and our family.  The saying "don't judge a book by its cover" is so very true, for you never know the story that is being written inside.

Instead of showing you all the pictures I have where he's crying and the videos that you may need earplugs for, I'll share with you some happy ones.  Because, every once in a while, he flashes that toothless grin, or even gives kisses, and all is right in the world.  For about 1.2 seconds until he throws his next fit.