Yuck.

That's how I have felt lately. Not just physically from getting over strep throat from a few weeks ago, but just yuck all over. Just blah. Do you ever go through a stage where it's just like....ugh.

Ok, so call me Negative Nancy. But I have been, and I don't know how to get out of it. I have been battling some very strong emotions about all kinds of different things the past several months. (I'm not going into detail, so don't worry.) Just stuff that I'm trying to sort out, and it's tough; I won't lie about that. I pray it out, and I talk to God a lot. It helps. He helps. I raise my hands and say "Here it is, Lord. YOU take it. I will follow You and You will not forsake me and You will lead me in the right direction." Then, my mind converts back to it's mortal state, and I find myself still trying to control things. I say I give it to God, and then there I am back at square 1 thinking "What do I need to do now?" or "What do I need to say to make everything alright?" Well that's not really me giving it all to God, now is it?

On top of the heavy emotions de to different aspects, it doesn't help that I've been to two funerals within 4 days of each other, both being my loving family members. In my short 25 years, I have been though some tough stuff. I always seem to manage and trample through it and come out alright. (At least, I think I'm alright.) But doing it all over again so frequently sure does stir up some hurt and pain that I don't like to feel. I remember back to 2002 when my first grandparent died. (I was lucky enough to have all 4 in my life until the age of 16, plus two great step-grandparents, and then I gained another great set with Carol.) In 2003, I had someone very special to my heart die; the first one (Isn't it sad that I have to say the first? There are so many.) of our little group to move from this life to the next. In 2004, my stepdad died in a car wreck. Then in 2006, I lost TWO of my best guy friends from high school. In January of 2008, Joey's stepdad died. January of 2010-PawPaw; August 2010-Gran; May 2011-Papa Cook; May 2011-Uncle Johnnie. This doesn't count the other people that have died along the way that were friends of mine. Let me tell you, death is a hard pill to swallow. And going to funerals brings up a lot or emotions I try so hard to bury and forget about. However, I know that all of these people are in the BEAUTIFUL kingdom of our Heavenly Father. John 14:3 says "And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me so that you may also be where I am" Gosh, can you imagine? Being in the presence of our Lord and Savior for eternity? I get teary-eyed and goose bumps just thinking about it! (Lord, I love you and all, and I know eternity with you will be great, but I'm not ready anytime soon, k?) I know all of my loved ones that have moved past this life are having the BEST time right now and for always. At Uncle Johnnie's funeral, the pastor said "To be absent from this life is to be in the presence of God." Amen to that.

My sweet Hannah recently said, "I am strong. Like bull." In the words of Blazing Saddles, "RRR rrrrrrrrrrrr!!" I feel this is the armor I have to put on to be this strong, unaltered woman. I am, and I can be, but sometimes I just feel weak and powerless. I just feel yuck.

However, because I am strong like bull and I have the Ultimate Source of support living within me, I will be ok. My family will be ok.

I know that this life is so, so good. God has blessed me in ways that I never thought possible. I am thankful for that, and I am thankful for His Will in my life.

On that note, life is too short. Tell those you love that you love them every single day. Never let the little things go unnoticed; this life and the people in it are too precious to take things for granted. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to TRY to practice what I preach.

Until next time,
Sarah