Instead of trying to detail the last year, I went back through my personal journal and just picked out a few things from each month. (I copied and pasted straight from it, so the sentences won't flow in a typical paragraph form.)
Day of Birth:
(You can read his entire birth story here.)
Dr. Harper said with the circumstances as they were, we were going to have to do a Cesarean section.
Then I heard the nurses start talking…. "he’s a big boy!" and "Happy Birthday baby boy!" He was here…I was a mommy.
That’s where I got the news that our baby was in the NICU.
Nine hours later, they finally came and got me and said they were going to try to get me up to be able to go see him. The nurse handed him to me, all hooked up to an IV and monitor’s, but he was so perfect and beautiful and a MIRACLE baby.
His name was officially Carson born July 30, 2014 at 6:44 a.m. and weighed 7 pounds, 14.5 ounces and was 20 inches long.
Month 1:
Now I know why Mom always said she wishes children came with an instruction manual. They forgot to give me mine when we left the hospital!
But I have had a lot of thoughts/emotions run through me the past 48 hours, some being pretty tough to bear. The majority of the surge of strong ones are centered around breastfeeding. Holy crap. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
He hates to have his diaper changed. He loves to be outside. He doesn’t like his arms to be swaddled. He loves bath time.
His diagnosis was a bad case of reflux on top of heartburn. Well no wonder Carson screams all the time!! Poor guy has been in some pain. (Enter mommy guilt.)
Month 2:
He is officially smiling in response to people’s faces and voices. That little toothless grin has to be the most adorable thing ever.
We have tried EVERYTHING to try to get Carson to sleep and to stay asleep: classical music, no music, closet light on, closet light off, swaddle, no swaddle, temp changes, rocking, no rocking, later bedtime, earlier bedtime…I even tried the lavender essential oils that are so big right now and even tried waking him up one time around midnight to make him eat and he wouldn’t. I have just come to the conclusion that he will sleep when he’s ready. Lots of prayer. And caffeine. And wine.
(Why can't I find a picture from around 2 months? Oh, because I was an official zombie.)
Month 3:
This month about did me in. When people say “hard”, it just really does not accurately describe the experience.
He is super alert and really into everything that he sees.
We started cereal this month.
Carson James slept through the night on Tuesday, November 4 at 13 weeks and 6 days old. It was only temporary.
The temper. Oh my gosh at the temper. It’s terrible. I really hope he outgrows it before his dad has to make him outgrow it!
Month 4:
Feed, scream, swallow, repeat. Ugh.
This has, by-far, been the hardest, most tiresome, most challenging and stressful 4 months of my life.
We’ve tried letting him cry it out; we’ve tried consoling him before it escalates and he’s really pissed; I’ve tried to wait longer increments of time before going to him when he does that; we’ve tried everything. EVERYTHING. I tell ya - sleep deprivation is no joke.
He is now in size 3 diapers and transitioning to 6-9 month clothes in everything.
Carson is starting to talk a lot more. He recognizes faces and loves anyone who talks to him and pays him any attention.
Month 5-6 (Combined because it was pretty much WW3 for 2 months and I just skipped month 5 due to lack of functional brain activity.):
RSV positive. We discussed taking him to the ER.
I also need to mention, that during all of this, Carson is full-blown teething and is obviously not handling it well.
Came to the conclusion he was constipated and hurting so he didn’t want to eat.
Then he had his 6-month check up and got shots, so that sent him into orbit as well.
Not sleeping all that great, crying more than usual (is that even possible?!) and a lot harder to console during the days. Now I think we’ve determined he has a stomach bug.
(Looking back, I'm really not sure how we survived month 6. Oh wait, it's called THANK YOU JESUS.)
I have been impatient, discouraged, anxious and hormonal, mostly all at the same time.
And he’s laughing, too, which really is a sweet sound. He’s sitting up now like a champ and getting steadier every day. He still won’t roll over, that stubborn child!
When he smiles, you can see it in his eyes and his whole demeanor is happy. But, man oh MAN when he’s mad it’s just as extreme.
STILL loves his swing. Really, when he outgrows it I just don’t know…
Sometimes I really hate to brag because I am just terrified of jinxing it. Although I know it’s all with God, it’s still a thought. However, the last month has shown some slight glimmers of hope that this gig is getting a little easier.
Carson can officially hold his own bottle. This makes those early morning wake-ups soooo much easier.
Carson waived “bye-bye” to me for the first time.
Dude LOVES to be outside. I mean, loves it like no otha’.
Carson officially weaned himself off the paci on his own.
It has tested our nerves, our relationship, my sanity, and everything we thought we knew, but we’re making it through just fine.
Month 9:
She confirmed it was pink eye in his left eye and his right was looking like it, too, just not as bad. Awesomesauce.
C is 22 pounds and 29 inches long, which she said is the size of an average 1 year old. He’s a big ole’ boy for sure.
He had his first spill off the bed.
Carson LOVES his walker. Loves it. And he loves being outside even more, which is a whole heck of a lot! And combine the two with the walker outside and you’ve got yourself one happy baby.
He took his first “steps” a week ago.
This past week, Carson has really impressed me on a few different occasions. Maybe he feels bad for all the screaming and crying for so many months?!
Carson did his first army crawl!
We’re still trying to get him used to “big people” food. His gag reflex is just super sensitive or something.
We also moved up to size 5 diapers. He even wears some 18 month clothes.
Month 11:
One month away from being a whole year old. Sometimes I wondered if, and how, we would ever make it. I can see the light, though!
Carson finally started crawling really good – he can move!
He has tooth #5 coming in (top left) and, yet again, it’s making him less than pleasant. On top of that, it seems that right now he has some kind of small cold or allergy stuff going on.
But it looks as if his baby blues are here to stay and that’s ok with me. They’re gorg.
Month 12:
I just don’t even know. I want to cry because my baby is officially no longer a baby. I want to rejoice because we made it through a hellacious first year. I want to hold him all day long and play and talk and just love on him and cry tears over his head.
Carson can say “daddy” (it never really sounded like “dada”), “mama”, and “bubba”. Gracie said he says “sister”, but I still haven’t heard it yet. This morning when I was waving “bye-bye”, he said “bye” as he was waving.
He loves to walk. Walking is all he wants to do. If I don’t put my hand in his just the right way, he will stop and use his right hand to adjust my left hand on his to where he's only holding my pointer finger.
Carson’s personality is so much more pleasant these days. He still has a very, VERY short fuse, but it almost seems like it’s manageable now.
Carson has 6 teeth – 4 front teeth and 2 front bottom teeth.
I laugh more these days. We definitely sleep more. And now when I cry, it’s tears of joy and love and overwhelming thankfulness for our baby. Sometimes there are sad tears when I think back and know that my only baby experience is coming to an end.
I love him more every day and am thankful to the Good Lord for making me Carson’s mommy.
"I see the moon and the moon sees me. God bless the moon and God bless me. I hope the light that shines on me, shines on the one I love. It seems to me that God above created you for me to love. He picked you out from all the rest to be the one I love."
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